moving without

its been a while since i’ve posted here on this blog…

and since then things have happened…

bad things..

good things..

dumb things..

visit krucify87.multiply.com for the latest..

things about me..

out.

my ears are shot to shit…

never thought it would be so painful to listen to the same song for over 4 hours…trying to find errors and what not…

i am literally, hearing the whole song on infinite repeat in my head…

how unfortunate…

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tomorrow’s the first day of my office OJT fun. how nice. new environment. new people. hopefully, fun people. new challenges. and new tables to sleep on.

roll call will be around 9am. i’ll probably wake up at 6 for some strange reason. then go back to bed again and get startled when i see that its 8:30. late again.

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the file i’m downloading is taking forever. and i don’t have forever. its 9:30pm and i have to be home before 10. damn it. and i thought comshops were supposed to have decent DSL connections.

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i wonder if i’m going to enjoy tomorrow. hmmm…

    normally, i would wake up at 9am and start my day from there (watching tv, playing video games, pissing my guitar off, and what not) but today i decided to wake up at 11am. not that it’s any different from any other day, but today to me feels like an urgency.
    2 gigs, one night. nothing new. except the fact that one gig’s at timog, and the other’s at buendia. oh, brilliant.
    hope somebody gives me a beer.

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    got skarlet’s album from freddie. it’s jazzy alright. there’s something smooth and soothing about her voice. i miss the pushy vocals from her ska days, though.

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    still not able to function normally. still amiss.

    how about this?
    i find a bargain, 60 peso game at some piracy shop and what do i get? sloppy seconds. oh the game’s finished alright…finished for some game tester to figure out the bugs. dammit. i’d love to list them down for the developer but its been six years since the release, and i don’t think they would care about my layman’s point of view…

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    i keep reading other people’s blogs and some seem to make little sense.
    it’s not that i care about that. it’s just…well…you know…i get to read other blogs with lots of sense. wouldn’t it be nice to be for the blog community to be populated with an ocean of opinions and views…with proper (or at least understandable) punctuation.
    i know…i’m an ass at that sometimes.
    yeah…i know, hypocrite…

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    my eyes turned red and crimson rashes appeared everywhere on my body last this past lenten break.
    strange.
    then they all seemed to disappear just as easter sunday finished.
    very strange.
    could God be telling me something? hmm…
    He’s probably been telling me a thousand things…just haven’t been listening…

    now it’s time to wonder if we’re all going to pass or not…

    +++   

    all cramming can be avoided with early preparation and intelligent
anticipation, but when you’re teachers feel as if they’re the only
teachers you have (i.e., "you’re not giving my subject enough
importance…i wish you could give my subject at least 50 percent
attention like your other subjects"), cramming seems an inevitability.

    +++   

    "i’ll give you the project requirement now, so as not to get in the way of your other requirements" cannot and will not help you if your other requirements get updated every week and seem to come to no end.

    +++

    jealousy’s a bitch. it’s an even bigger bitch when your not even suppose to be jealous.

    +++

    forming a band is fun. playing in a band is fun. and it should remain fun for the remainder of your stay in the band. the moment it stops being fun, the moment it becomes routine, the moment it becomes a regular job, get out. and get as far away as you can.

    +++

    an excerpt from somebody else’s blog:

    "You have no idea what you mean to me. Or maybe you do. Therein lies the problem that we cannot remedy.
    We are stuck in a place where our rights are not theirs and our wrongs are all irrelevant. We are pawns to our society and their way of thinking.
    We can never be together as long as we remain in chains. Our love will never flourish if we stay grounded. We have to get out, to be together.
    I could never live with the pain of being neglected. But for you I’d make the gravest of exceptions. Because I love you.
    You have no idea. Do you?"

    sad, isn’t it?

    +++

    tomorrow we defend jr and hana’s system. group members include jr, hana, and me. whoopdeedoo…what a surprise…wish us the luck of the irish; our luck just won’t cut it. and pray if you can, if you do…
    pass or fail.
    now is the time.

    it’s back. well, it never really went away in the first place. it kind of shed some weight, went under the radar for a while, but now its back.
    i’ve rediscovered my realization that playing music (playing my guitar at gigs and stuff) is supposed to be fun. and by God it was smokin’ tonight.
    nevermind the horrid detuned bass at some point…or the "misstrum" somewhere in the middle…or the lack of pinpoint timing for mind-blowing acrobatics…it was fun. playing those two songs were fun. and in that span of time (where the band exceeded its stage time by some amount) that i looked around, saw my band mates, saw the crowd, and heard the groove, i loved what i was doing.

    +++

    i loved what i was doing.

    ahyes…tuesday…

    +++

    received the rough cut of the song we recorded last sunday (the improved "paasa"). even the rough cut sounds pretty good, good enough for a demo. the levels are a bit unbalanced and the lead guitar good use some more treble but it’s good enough to use for the art app project thing.

    will have to finish the video by thursday, or by wednesday, or even (God-willing) by today. will furnish the 3 minute 20 second video on sunday with cai, after i play with dalandan on friday and probably have a night out with my balikbayan aunt (if time permits).

    +++

    there is a two hour break after SAD later, the compiler subject was moved on thursday, making us relive the horrors of a "break"-less day. hopefully, everybody would be supportive and cooperative with my unrealized video vision. hey, it’s their grade too.

    +++

    been listening to the song for the last 30 minutes. my ears are soar.

    or is it sore? hmmm?

    you decide. my intelligence is a bit shakey dis mourning…

    my mom’s a genius. and i’m not just saying that because she’s my mom. she really is.

    +++

    it’s amazing. the stuff that comes out of her mouth at the dinner table. it’s like i’m dining with a sage. who knows everything. whose opinion really matters. and it’s not like she’s not. it just might not seem like that to other people. but it should. seem like that to other people.

    +++

    i abandoned my post. plain and simple. genius, i tell you. no matter what i say, or what excuses i make for reorganizing my priorities, i still dropped out of my responsibilities as part of a team. for that there is no excuse. apologies are useless. and it shall stand as is.

    the only bright light at the end of the hell hole is the lingering memory of failure (failing myself, failing my friends (if they would still consider me theirs)) and the hope that it would never happen again.

    to err is human. to fuck up really badly with stuff is my department.

    yeah, i know…it’s wrong…or at least the thousands of years of human intelligence think it is.

    +++

    it’s hard to put something you’ve done for quite a while at the bottom of your priorities. it’s even harder to kick it off the list altogether. but you know what the hardest part is? it’s disappointing all the people incorporated with that something; it’s realizing that you were wrong; it’s making a fool of yourself; it’s destroying all your other relationships with the people you’ve come to respect and love.

    but it has to be done. why? there are too many words (or too few) that could make anyone understand. it’s a personal thing and i’ll leave at that. i know it’s not polite to leave at that, there may be people who actually care about why that something has to go…so to those people, whoever you are, i’m sorry.

    not that it matters anymore.

    +++

    wanna hear something scary?   

    my mother thinks that playing in a band is more important to me than studying…or getting an internship…or making sure i’ve got a secure future…

    and the scary part is…she’s right.

    +++

    my world is getting smaller. my life is getting complicated. i’m getting dumber. i’m not progressing. not getting better. slowly and surely making sure that tomorrow will not be the same as yesterday. but some things are always the same. routines. selfishness. hate. love. motion. music.

    +++

    why can’t it be simple anymore?

    who would’ve thought i’d be writing again tonight?
    not me, for sure. therapeutic, was it? well…here’s a little practice…my, how mychemicalromance can affect your machinery.

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    "it’s not fair. never fair. just when you thought everything was fine, everything was peachy, something or someone comes up and ruins it. sometimes the whole deconstruction process of your fine life is fun and for the better, sometimes it just sucks.
    safe to say, this one’s the former.
    but even though its fun, i don’t know if its for the better.
    i feel something i’m not supposed to feel. and this feeling is eating me up. dammit. it’s eating me up from the inside…nobody’s going to notice i’m gone and all that remains is this feeling. whatever this feeling is supposed to be called.
    fuck, i’m not even supposed to be awake. yet here i am, looking into the screen, seeing something i’m not supposed to see, something that’s not suppose to register any type of feeling. but i feel something, and i think i know what it’s called.
    it’s eating me up, you know, this thing. it hurts, yes. but i wouldn’t trade it for the world. it’s made me feel alive again, i think (or am i just being overly dramatic?).
    now the sad part…
    it’s not mine to feel. because it belongs to someone else. just like someone belongs to someone else, it clings to something other than me.
    it’s not me that gives it life; though i have it with me now, it will never be mine. or will it? tomorrow? the week after that? in a few years? i don’t know.
    all i know is, not now.
    and that sucks.
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    trivial, i know. its good practice, i think, this whole writing-about-nothing bit. but is it really about nothing? hmmm…i’ll leave that to you, dear reader. it’s your call.